Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
