Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
