ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize