the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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