I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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