i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
