my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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