If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
P.S. I can't hear my feet
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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