Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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