we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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