I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Be still, my beating vagina.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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