So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
