if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
