I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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