I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
