Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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