I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sex in the backyard? Check.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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