Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
where are you?
Hypothermia
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
