Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
