tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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