Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
