i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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