I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
