saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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