i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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