This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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