Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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