this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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