she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
