and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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