Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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