in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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