Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
