shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
