I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
