I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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