i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We were destined to go to rehab together
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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