You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
