I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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