i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
