You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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