my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i love accidental penises.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
