It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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