He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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