they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
