I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
