Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
