I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
