so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
