Apparently you make a good broom.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
