Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
