Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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