They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
