oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
