I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
