I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
