party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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