my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
