I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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