you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
