the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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